Saying no used to be hard for me
I used to think saying no was one of the harder things to both say and to hear in relationship with others. I know I wasn’t alone as I expected that process to be difficult and potentially create friction. As I continue to learn to speak giraffe and learn to listen with my giraffe ears on, words seem to take a new meaning. I can breathe a sigh of relief as I learn that not only does it avoid conflict, it deepens trust and nourishes connection.
Deep and lasting change requires practice and commitment. I find that while I know this on paper, putting it into practice in the moment is the hard part. In the moments where I do get it right, I find myself feeling like I matter, knowing the other feels the same about themselves. What a joy to have more and more moments like these. How is that possible in a time where you or the other needs to communicate that you don’t want to do that thing they want you to do, where no guilt or blame is present? For me it started with learning how not to say no:
I learnt how not to say no!
- No.
- I can’t.
- I don’t want to.
- I don’t have time.
- It’s not possible.
This list gave me a chuckle when I first heard it in Marshall’s video (included below). Learning that quite simply acknowledging the need behind the request, the other person can trust that they matter to you, has really improved my relationships with others. It makes me wonder whether the details of the need come second.
Sharing needs
The very act of sharing the need that prevents you from saying yes seems to me to be such a simple key that feels too overlooked. Here, I celebrate the deepening of authenticity with you as this intention enables the ability to bear the other person in mind in a very real way. I celebrate with you the way that saying no allows us to say yes to what matters most. I trust that articles like these help to keep the practice of keeping your giraffe ears on, alive.
By Tamara Hoggarth
Here is a 6 minute video showing Marshall Rosenberg talking about saying no in Giraffe: