Reflections on Des McNeill Moss and his contribution to my enjoyment of studying and practicing NVC.
Des died on 2 September 2022:(
It’s a challenge to write about this without using words that other people who knew Des have used. For example, playful, welcoming, colourful, joyful, fun to be around, and generous. And all of those words would apply in my experience of Des.
I met him first at Gina Lawrie’s (NVC Trainer and Assessor) NVC support group in West London, in the 1990s. He was in traditional rainbow gear. I was a bit anxious at first, because he wasn’t making a lot of sense, rambling a bit, and then laying on the floor. After some puzzled interventions, an alert group member sorted out a biscuit and drink. He hadn’t told us he was a diabetic. Later on in life I saw him push himself to the limits with work around the Mill, and on the famous bike rides in Ireland.
Little did I know at that first group meeting that Des would become a good friend to me, and enliven my life every time we were in a group together. I sometimes met up with him in London when he was staying with his mother, and he was trying to help her adjust to lessened mobility in old age. She, Fiona, was a tremendous character, small in stature, but larger than life. Des would talk about his father, Gilbert, who died in 2011, and about the house in Ireland, Drominagh in County Tipperary, which had a ruined Norman castle in the grounds, and overlooked the river. Des relished his Irishness, and when in his company in Ireland, we followed him round as he chatted to all and sundry, in the street, in the pub, making jokes, asking questions, swapping names and stories.
Much of our group time together was in Belmullet on the West Coast of Ireland in the group facilitated by Sinhaketu, who as part of the group experience, invited us to introduce an exercise to highlight an aspect of NVC. We were always entertained with an extra dollop of fun, using Des’ designs to enhance the dance floor exercises. Paint, colour, crumpled pieces of A1 or sometimes on cloth, would emerge from his travel bag, and cover the floor, walls, ceilings, doorways, sometimes with paths through the colours, or mini labyrinths. Whatever the designs, and with Des offering instructions and gentle directions on the use of them, they always added the aliveness which was the hallmark of Des’s NVC mini-trainings.
Another time, my sister and I were invited to the wonderful Norfolk Mill, to be welcomed there by Des and Caroline. We offered to clean out the pond, and as reward for this Sisyphean task, Des offered us what he called “The Ramble”. Using his garden as the setting for this intentional NVC exercise, we would be introduced to the “Jackal world”, a hideous 6-foot-high tangle of scrap metal, totally out of character with the garden, but illustrative of the unhelpful stories we tell ourselves. This monstrous sculpture was an object of great pride and protectiveness by Des, who was determined it would stay put, when family members would have gladly drowned it in the pond. Then the ramble would invite us to jump over a lit fire and navigate a series of obstacles, all the time talking and working through our NVC intention. At the end there were places of beauty, comfort, and calm, despite the bird droppings!
I think this ramble exercise, with the time it took under Des’ guidance, and the work involved in keeping it functional, illustrates how much Des wanted others to be free of whatever held them back in their lives. He really seemed to thrive on enabling others to find freedom, using outsized and highly coloured artefacts, paintings, objects, and language. His tools, his personality, his loving, were expansive, making things bigger, louder, more wonderful. RIP Des.
Luli Harvey, is an Independent NVC Trainer and Couples Counsellor.
“I have been studying, practising, and teaching NVC for over 20 years, and it has made a profound and positive difference to my entire life.”
Thank you Luli… bringing back memories of Des. I’m so glad we were blessed with his presence. -Shona