Written by: Jess Woolrich
Published on 22 April
2min read
I first entered the world of NVC because of my interest in how I could use it with my children. It was during lockdown, in 2020, and I was living as a single parent with my small folk, a 5 year old and 3 year old (and two wonderful cats). I had a new job that had been about to start and everything had changed very quickly to becoming unemployed, and house bound.Â
My world got very small, very quickly with us in our house together, day in day out, our routine of heading to work and nursery and school suddenly stopped. I started reading more, and was focused on improving my connection with my children. I was reading a book called ‘Extraordinary Parenting’ by Eloise Rickman, and she mentioned NVC within the book. It intrigued me, and by the powers of online ordering I had Marshall’s book in my hands 48 hours later.
If we fast forward 6 years, we come to the present date, and over that time I have dedicated a small part of my life and mind to increasing my understanding, awareness and practice of NVC in my day to day. My family’s shape has changed, and our household consists of me, my partner, and three children, aged 1, 8 and 10 years old, and animal companion wise we have a wonderful dog and a tortoise that we share our home with. We home educate, which means we spend a lot of time together!
Recently I have been studying a Level 2 NVC course ‘Living NVC with Children’ with CNVC trainer Cordelia Addison. The first NVC course I studied was also centered around living with children. Going deeper into my conditioned responses, and the stories I tell myself, and, particularly my ‘no choice’ thinking around the rules we create is a challenge. Also, exploring power dynamics, for the goal of connection being power with, is something I am trying to hold in my mind. I find self empathy, and compassion the biggest stretch. I often check in with myself, and identify my thoughts, observations, feelings and needs, but truly approaching the connection with kindness for myself is sometimes lacking.
I appreciate reading more about Marshall’s reflections on being a parent – one example that he playfully said being both a parent and thinking that there is such a thing as being a ‘good parent’ was his definition of hell on Earth. I also remember him sharing a story around his daughter, where she shared something around not liking her reflection, he jumped in to tell her that wasn’t so. It resonates with me, frequently. I often want to ‘fix’ anything I might perceive as a threat to my family’s happiness. Through the recent course, I identify that I have an incredibly strong desire to contribute to my family’s wellbeing, that it often becomes tangled up with the stories that I tell myself that ‘must’ happen. It is an ever evolving process and I am so very grateful for finding NVC, and the deep desire to integrate the way of communicating and connecting into my everyday life. There is constant messiness, complications, and stretches when you live with others and share space with them, regardless of their age. That comes with a plentiful chance to connect.
NVC has been a game changer for how I communicate with my family, and I certainly struggle at times, but the power of an honest apology and repair is so very powerful. The accountability for our own thinking, feeling and how this can impact those around us, and developing a clear voice to share with others is a gift to pass on to my family, and the people around them.