Subtitle: When letting go of mess feels hard
Author: Tamara Hoggarth
Role: Copywriter for NVC Matters
Reading time: (2min read)
A note from the author
This article does not intend to replace emotional support, therapy or conflict mediation. We believe that if it is in relationship that we are wounded, it is therefore in relationship that we heal, through embodied experiences and not necessarily through reading. Doing the reading is the easy bit. Putting it in practice is the hard part. Like anything, it gets easier with practise. Our practice groups, retreats and training are here for that. Isn’t being together far more fun and meaningful?
In the realm of right and wrong, we speak the language of protection – not connection.
When rupture bares its head in relationships, it’s the repair that matters. It’s been a major learning for me to see that holding onto wrongdoing isn’t promising me the protection and justice I hope for – only repair is.
When I have made a mess and I am in guilt or shame, I am self-involved in a way that makes it hard to connect empathically with the other person, and it’s therefore hard for me to take in the impact that the other person experienced. Even if I’m really apologetic, it’s still about how sorry I am rather than meeting the other person where they’re at – it’s still all about me.
Learning to notice when I’m in that place has helped me to bring that experience into the relationship with the other person and acknowledge that I’m too full of my own feelings to be present for them in that moment. I admit I may need a little time before showing up the way I’d like to, to hear the impact my mess has had on them. It lets the other person know that the way they feel is still important to me. It saved myself and my loved ones a fair bit of grief. It’s so hard to do it in the moment and intimacy can be messy but it’s getting better.
Waiting to speak to the other person once my own needs are met to show up to my own messes leaves room for me to listen. I can’t truly listen if my own needs and feelings are asking for my attention.
The hope of this article isn’t to give you a how-to guide nor is it advocating for you to forgive someone else who has hurt you; this article is here to support you to forgive yourself and offer an openness for others to come to you when you’re the one who makes the mess. I don’t believe we can successfully search for peace and repair outside of ourselves. It begins here, at home. Maybe we can finally admit that making messes isn’t the issue; maybe its the repair that matters and maybe that starts with us.